Our Little Aviator

5 Comments

March 23.

Today was my EDD with our 4th baby, our little Aviator.

I had had a good amount of morning sickness.  It was not as intense as it was with the Wingman, but it lasted a few weeks longer.  At 11 weeks, I felt little taps.  I thought I must be imagining it since it was so early, but the taps only got stronger and more frequent.  It was definitely baby!  I bet the Aviator had quite the feisty personality with how much he moved around! 🙂

It was a Wednesday.  Wednesday, October 5th.  I was a day shy of 16 weeks.  It was the last day I felt him move and the last day of his life.  It was about 10 am.  I only know that because I was at a Dr appointment.  The lady had just asked if this was my first baby and I was once again confronted with the painful decision….do I mask my pain and the truth and say, “It’s my second” or do I tell the truth and what my heart wants to say and risk making the situation uncomfortable by saying, “My 4th, but two are with Jesus.”  Answering her was painful, but just a moment later, I felt three firm taps from baby.  It was as if he knew Mommy needed some reassurance right then.

That was the last sign of life.

We didn’t know the gender, but almost the entire pregnancy, the Wingman was convinced it was a boy.  He even picked a name.  A random name that he made up.

When our child was born, we learned that he was indeed a boy.  Our son.

Maybe someday I will share more of my pregnancy or his birth story.

Today is a strange day.  I want to just sit and cry, but the tears won’t come.

I was able to drop the Wingman off at a friend’s house today.  I just wanted a day where I didn’t have to pretend everything was ok, I didn’t have to wear a mask, I didn’t have to be strong for anyone else.

People ask how I am doing.  I still don’t know how to answer that question.  The pain is different now.  The grief is different.  But will I ever be “okay” again?  No, not in the sense of ever returning to “normal,” or how I was before.  I am changed.  I am different.

I have wrestled with so many theological questions.  Some of them I know exactly what is true.  Some of them I have no idea.  But I have had to hold onto the fact that, no matter what those answers are, God is good.  God is loving.  God does care.  Even though the world around me moves on, God sees.  And He cares.

Instead of having a huge belly and packing a bag for the birth center, I am sorting bills and scheduling Dr appointments.  Instead of welcoming home a newborn, I will be having surgery to hopefully fix (one of) my problems so that hopefully we will not have another loss.

Instead of preparing the Wingman to have a new baby in the home, I hear him say, “You, me and Daddy are sad about our baby.  But when I get to heaven, I will be so happy to see him and I will give him a big hug!”  He brings up his brother to his friends.  I hear him say in conversation, “Our baby died.”  His little mind is processing it as best as he can.  I answer all that he says, not wanting to keep him locked in grief, but not wanting to dismiss his valid 3 year old grief.  He lost his brother.  He has mentioned several times how sad he is that he didn’t get to say good-bye and he has talked about wanting to teach him how to play games when he gets to heaven.  He lost his brother.  He is such a good big brother, and it hurts so much that his first experiences as a big brother have to be this painful and confusing for him.

“For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there were none of them.”
Psalm 139:13-16

Our youngest son, along with his two older siblings, are in heaven right now.  And their souls know very well how wonderful are His works.  They are dancing and praising and worshiping.  Right at this very moment, their joy is unspeakable.  They know no tears and no pain.  They are loved and cherished by the King of Kings.

My pain sometimes feels unbearable.  But I am reminded that Jesus conquered death.  It is for this reason, for this awful repercussion of living in a fallen world, it is for the death of my children, it is for sin, that Jesus died.  He is the Victor.  Someday all will be put right.

Homemade Taquitos

Leave a comment

When I wrote my 101 in 1001 list, the end date seemed so far away.  Now I have about two months left to complete quite a few things. 😉  I am pretty sure I won’t be able to get it all done, but I am working on getting a few more things checked off before the official end date.  Then I’ll likely keep working on my list, even though it will officially be ended.

I did, however, finally make homemade taquitos!  When The Pilot and I were on our honeymoon, we found this amazing Mexican restaurant that had some incredibly delicious taquitos.  I decided that I should try my hand at making some and added that to my 101 list.

I made these Easy Oven Baked Taquitos from Nerdy Mama.  Unfortunately, I did not get a picture of mine, but they were tasty!  Not quite as good as the ones on our honeymoon but definitely tasty.  🙂  I will have to try them again sometime but get some toppings…maybe some guacamole, chopped tomatoes, and shredded lettuce. 🙂

Book Review: Grace and the Preacher

Leave a comment

Grace and the Preacher is the newest novel by Kim Vogel Sawyer, set to release in March of this year.

Grace is twenty-four, an old maid for her era, and longs to meet the new preacher she has been corresponding with and whom, she discovers, she has already fallen in love with.  Would he possibly be drawn to her as well when they met?

Theophil long ago stood up for truth, but in the process, created some mortal enemies, who are now hunting for him.  On the run, Theophil finds himself meeting a random person who seems to be the perfect one to help him out of his problems.  Soon enough he ends up in the same town in which Grace lives.

9780307731418

While aspects of the book were cliched, and I did predict almost all critical plot twists, the author still had me turning the pages, curious to find out what would happen next.  She delves into themes of forgiveness, mercy, trusting God above even your heart’s greatest desires, honesty, etc.

Even though Grace and the Preacher does not make my Top 10 list, I enjoyed it and I intend to look into other books by the author. Read more about the book and author here.

Note: I received this book from Blogging for Books for this review.

Long Time No Write

4 Comments

It’s hard to believe that it’s been 8 months since I last posted.  I have gone back and forth as to whether I would ever resurrect this blog or not.  But as soon as I was notified that my domain was about to expire I knew that I wasn’t ready to stop blogging.

I make no promises to get back to any sort of blogging schedule.  I would rather keep this space for posting when I feel like I need or want to.

A brief recap of the last 8 months….

….The Wingman celebrated his third birthday.  Crazy, I know!

….The Pilot was gone for a while with his job and I worked on quite a few projects while he was gone.  Hopefully I can blog a bit about some of them!

…In June I became pregnant with our fourth child.  At 16 weeks, his heart stopped beating.  I went to the hospital, labored for 9 hours, and gave birth to another precious son.  It has taken a lot of time to process it all and I know I’m far from being done.  But I am sure some posts about his life and late miscarriage will show up here sometime.

…It has been an absolutely horrible few months.  There is no other way to describe it.  But I am holding onto hope.  “Sometimes holding tight [to Truth] feels more like hanging on, but don’t give up.  Don’t believe the lie that you should let go.  God holds you.  Hold tight to Him.”  (She Reads Truth by Raechel Myers and Amanda Bible Williams, page 170)

To close this post, I want to share this song.  It has been like my anthem over the past year.  When I first heard it, I was at a Tenth Avenue North concert and the song hadn’t even been recorded.  That tour was the first time they sang it for people.  I sat there with tears pouring down my face, not knowing how the song would grow even more important to me.  I hope that it is a blessing and encouragement to you as well.

 

Book Review: Fading Starlight

1 Comment

Kathryn Cushman’s latest novel, Fading Starlight, was just released in May of this year.  It was a sweet story and an easy read.

After having a huge accident in her career, Lauren Summers heads to a private community to live for the summer.  She attempts to regain what she can of her career, invest in her hobbies, and reach out to her neighbors.  One neighbor in particular is not interested in her friendship.  Lauren must decide if she wants to pursue her old career or become the hands and feet of Jesus to her neighbor.

I appreciated how the main character has to grapple with personal pain and disappointment while also attempting to do right by her cantankerous neighbor.  In so many books, it seems that Christian characters don’t really struggle that much.  Lauren does have some things that she is working through.  I did, however, think that one of the key verses that she kept going back to was taken out of context.

While not a new personal favorite, I did think that Fading Starlight was a sweet story.  It was a fun addition to the books I took on our recent road trip.

Note: I received this book for free from Bethany House Publishers in exchange for this review.

-Bonnie

Book Review: Hope Unfolding

Leave a comment

I first discovered Becky Thompson’s blog when a post of hers went viral on Facebook.  As a result, I started following her and quite a few of her posts were very encouraging. When I discovered she had written a book, I was excited to get a chance to read it.

hope unfolding

Her book, like her blog, is easy to read but oozing with encouragement.  It is so obvious in every chapter that her heart truly cares about her readers even though she has never met us.

Overall, it was a little too conversational for my taste.  Each chapter started with a personal anecdote or some sort of story.  The anecdote was literally half or more of the chapter.  So for me personally it was a little too drawn out.

When she got to her main point…it usually wasn’t earth-shattering or revolutionary.  But it was just a whisper of something that my heart needed to hear as a Mom.  There were a couple chapters in particular that were great reminders for me and brought me so much encouragement.

If you are a Mom who wants a friend to sit down over coffee with you and encourage you to persevere in motherhood…this is a great book!

Read Becky’s bio here and join her online at her web site or on social media.

I received this book from Blogging for Books for this review.

-Bonnie

When God Changes Your Dream

Leave a comment

I had the privilege of writing my first guest post for a fellow blogger.  The Rosevine Cottage Girls were doing a series on how to trust and follow God when your dreams are changed or taken away.  I immediately thought of our dreams for a large family.  The path God has taken us down looks nothing like the dream I had for years.  It was (and is) a challenge to trust God with the new dreams He is bringing to us.

So here are a few thoughts from me about what to do when God changes your dream.

– – –

December 22, 2011. I put on the most beautiful white gown and walked down the aisle to say “I do” to the man of my dreams. We were so happy that day. So insanely happy.

Since before we were married, my husband and I had thought that we would like about six children. We agreed that we would take it one child at a time, making sure that we were doing a good job parenting as unto the Lord before adding another child. But we thought the end result would probably be us having about six children.

After marriage, we moved into a 250 square foot apartment. It was tiny, but cozy and perfect for our first love nest. A baby would make it tight, but we knew we could do it for a few months until we moved out.

The months started to pass. We weren’t preventing pregnancy, so every month made me a bit more confused and discouraged as another negative pregnancy test greeted me.

Visit The Rosevine Cottage Girls to read the whole post.