Doctors, God, Hysterics, and Trust

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God has certainly been taking me on a medical journey over the past two years.  During that time, I have undergone two CT scans, three blood panels, two ultrasounds, two x-rays, one round of allergy testing (yes, the one where they prick your back 30 times), a couple antibiotics, at least a dozen doctor visits, and visits to specialists.

About nine months ago I switched to a new doctor.  After poking, prodding, analyzing, and discussing, she told me she was concerned that I might have cancer.  She wasn’t ready to say that it “probably” was cancer…but she also couldn’t honestly say that there was no way it was cancer.  So I went in for another CT scan.  During this batch of tests, I was remarkably calm.  Sure, I wouldn’t want to have cancer.  Sure, it would be a horribly difficult time.  But…it would be okay.  I knew I was in God’s hands and that He was in control.  Most of my concern and worry was for Michael.  I was concerned about how he would take it…and of course if it ended up being terminal and I died, I was concerned about what would happen to him.

But I was generally calm and at peace about myself.  God helped teach me about life.  I know it sounds cliche to think about how short life is and everything, but it’s true.  It’s like God just reminded me how much I have in life and I was just so grateful for all He had given me.  Even if I did have cancer and it were terminal…I could still live my life with a passion.  I was reminded to not take daily “real-life” moments for granted.

Well, praise the Lord, the tests came back clear.  No clumps of swollen lymph nodes and no cause for concern with my white blood cells.

So then I was called back into the doctor’s office to discuss the next concern she had for my health.

Polycystic Ovaries.

Trying not to panic at the mere mention of the Syndrome, I listened to her describe it and my symptoms and what we should do from there.

I had to make an appointment for another test to determine if I really had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  It was probably about a week before I got in for the test…and then I had to wait a couple days for the results.

During this time….I freaked out.  A blogger I have been praying for over the past few years has PCOS…..she and her husband have been trying for five years to get pregnant and they are unable to.

Of course, the doctor assured me that even if I had it, that didn’t necessarily mean that I would have difficulty getting pregnant.  But, still.  There was the possibility.

Interesting how calm I was about cancer…but when a question about my fertility came up…I panicked.

I realized how very badly I wanted children.  To excitedly look down at that pregnancy test with my husband and scream in joy when we saw the positive sign.  To come up with some clever way to share the news with our families.  To see my stomach getting bigger as our child was growing.  To feel him moving inside me.  To be able to nourish our baby throughout those nine months and after he was born.  To buy sweet baby clothes.  To take care of him all the time…getting up during the night, playing with him, bonding with him, taking care of him when he was sick, watching him giggle with joy.  To watch Michael be the amazing, wonderful Daddy I knew he would be.  To raise our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord.

Everywhere I went or looked there were babies.  I saw a commercial on TV advertising baby formula.  When we went out, I saw all these Moms on outings with their children.  I saw children and babies smiling and laughing.  My heart ached.  They all reminded me over and over again….you may not be able to have children.

One time I called my Mom literally in hysterics, just saying over and over, “I want to have a baby.  I want to have a baby.”

Several times God just brought me to my knees.  I had to really stop and release my desires to the Lord.  I prayed and acknowledged that my body is the Lord’s.  My desire to have children is the Lord’s.  My fertility is in the Lord’s hands.  He is the One Who opens and closes the womb.  I knew I had to just cling to what is true….I had to know, trust, and believe that God was in control even when things were out of my hands.  And I had to learn that in reality…things are always out of my hands.

And so, once again, I came to a place of peace.  I knew that it would all be okay because God would be walking beside me the whole way, even if I had PCOS…even if I had difficulty getting pregnant…even if I was completely unable to get pregnant.

Finally the results were in and I scurried over to the doctor to find out what was up.

All clear.

No clumps of cysts as would be expected with PCOS.

I cannot even tell you how unbelievably happy and thankful and excited I was.  Praise God.  Thank You, thank You, thank You Father!!

Part 2 coming soon


One thought on “Doctors, God, Hysterics, and Trust

  1. I understand your feelings EXACTLY, Bonnie. Thank you for sharing and sharing with me all along the journey! I am so thankful I can share with you about all these things and that we can understand each other. That is truly a gift from the Father! I love you and I am continually praying for you!!!

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