Scares, Heartache, Relief, and Joy

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A month or so ago I was talking with our midwife friend and we were talking about my health and potential concerns.  As I mentioned some of the things I was experiencing, I could tell she was processing it all trying to think of what could be wrong.  After a few minutes, she told me what she was thinking.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

Again.

Apparently PCOS can spring up very quickly…so even though I came out clear 6 months ago…that doesn’t mean that I am clear now.

When Michael and I got married, I had to switch doctors once again in order to be covered by Michael’s insurance.  So I knew I would be starting another round of doctor’s visits with a new doctor.

Bleh.

I didn’t panic this time.  I had learned a lot of lessons last time, by God’s grace.  I knew that worrying would do no good.  I knew that I needed to just trust God and take it step by step.  I decided that this time I wouldn’t do any internet “research” as oftentimes that scares me more than anything.  (And the internet isn’t always reliable…even medical articles don’t know exactly what your personal symptoms are.)  Last time I waited on doctors I struggled to just stay in step with God’s timing and not run ahead and try to figure out what was going on.  This time I decided again that I needed to just take it one step at a time.  Make the doctor appointment.  Don’t worry about what she might say.  When she’s talking to me, listen to what she’s saying, don’t try to run ahead.  When she prescribes a test, just stay calm, go through the procedure, and take the results as they come.

I knew it would do no good to worry about “the next step.”

Even though I didn’t panic, that doesn’t mean that my heart was unaffected.  I felt silly having emotional responses, because of course we “didn’t know” if I had PCOS or not.  But I learned that it’s not necessarily wrong to go through an emotional process during the “uncertain stage”…as long as through each step, you are taking it all to God and relying on Him.

I didn’t panic.  I didn’t stress out.  But there was just the constant reminder that…I was going through the process again to see if I had PCOS.  I praise God for His strength and peace.  I knew that if I had PCOS I would definitely be an emotional basket case at least for a while…but I also knew that God would be right there.  I knew that it would come from His hand.  I knew that my husband loved me.

As much as I didn’t worry (compared to last time!), I was just very aware of the possibilities.  I thank God for His patience.  I know that no worry is good….and I am so thankful for how much He did keep me from worry and panic.

If you saw my post with some verses from Matthew, it was related to this.  As I was doing my Bible reading the day before my appointment and really just trying to release my “control” to God, I came across those verses.  It just hit me that I needed to lay down my plans…lay down my God-given desire to have children…so that I can pursue His plans.  What profit would there be if I gained the whole world (which to me at that moment was having children) and yet lost my soul…stopped following Him…ignored His greater plans?

I can’t trust God by saying, “Okay, God, I know you’re in control, but I think I’ll help out just a little and hold onto just this one part.”  That doesn’t work.  It’s complete surrender.  It’s walking with God even if it means walking in the completely opposite direction of your plans, dreams, or desires.

And so once again…doctor tests.  I went a couple weeks ago to my appointment.  As of right now, it looks like we are once again free and clear from PCOS.  I was almost floating on cloud 9.  Praise the Lord.  We are still looking at various doctor appointments and visits and procedures to take care of the problem….but it looks like the problem is a lot less….scary.

Lindsay, The Walton Wife, posted an excellent post that I read after I got home from my appointment.  I love her honesty and transparency.  And it’s a message I needed to hear.

Why do I share, in such lengthy, drawn-out blog posts, about my recent medical history?  Because I have been doing some deep thinking on some things, and have some thoughts to share………so…stay tuned for Part 3.  🙂

-Bonnie

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