We are so thankful that after all we went through the doctors have confirmed that I do not have PCOS. But going through that whole process was definitely emotional.
I thought about how embarrassing it would be to continually be un-pregnant…especially as I know several people are expecting us to have a honeymoon baby. I thought about what people would think about us if we went one, two…three years without getting pregnant. I thought about watching others getting pregnant when I could not. I watched the sweet Awana Cubbies and my heart ached as I longed to see such joy and delight on the faces of our own children. I felt like it would be so unfair to my wonderful husband…he chose one person for life..he chose me…and perhaps I may not be able to give him a family. My body physically ached when I longed to feel a baby…our baby…growing and moving inside me. I so wanted to have a little one that was an expression of the love and relationship I have with my husband….and I wanted to see what a perfect blend of Michael and I would look like in our baby. I knew that most people wouldn’t understand, because most people don’t experience infertility.
I have two sweet friends with PCOS. My two dear sisters both recently suffered miscarriages. My cousin is also going through an “uncertain stage” as they are looking into possible infertility.
I thought about all the people I don’t even know who struggle with infertility. I thought about our friend who recently lost their 7 month old son.
Heartache, pain, longing, desire, embarrassment, discouragement, depression, jealousy…so many emotions a person facing infertility or the loss of a child can experience.
Even though, as far as we know, I do not have fertility issues…over the past several months I have experienced a small taste of it.
Most people have no idea.
Most people….can get pregnant pretty quickly when they are not actively trying to prevent it.
Most people….can even get pregnant because of “accidents.”
Most people…when they find out they are pregnant, carry their baby full term and deliver a healthy baby.
Most people…do not fully understand the miracle of getting pregnant, or having a baby.
Most people…take their children’s lives and milestones for granted.
And then there are countless teenage girls who get pregnant…and choose to have their baby killed. That boggles my mind. That hurts my heart. As I was crying and aching while waiting to see what God had for us…desperately desiring to be a mother….there were mothers who had a gift and a miracle…and they chose to get rid of it.
I guess I would just say a few things……
- If you are pregnant, or have already had children, don’t take your pregnancy or baby or child/ren for granted. There are women who would give almost anything to be in your shoes.
- Be aware of those around you. Did you know that April is National Infertility Awareness Month? Did you know that October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day? Be sensitive, kind, and loving to those you know who are going through these things. These women are not alone and they are not forgotten. Babies that are lost are not forgotten. I know. I have two nieces/nephews with Jesus right now. They are still loved and still in our hearts.
- Even with everything I’ve said in this series of posts…don’t assume that every woman going through infertility or pregnancy/infant loss is an emotional mess. I definitely had an emotional time of it at the beginning. I think that most women going through these things would for sure. But these are also very strong women. Not every woman is called to live with such strength, trust, and grace as is required from women going through these things.
- Don’t expect or ask them to get over their grief. In the case of a miscarriage…we are talking about their child that is gone. Their precious baby that they already loved. In the case of infertility/possible infertility…we are talking about month after month reminders that they are unable to conceive a precious child. In both cases…there is definitely a process. And you never truly “get over” these things.
- Be careful with your comments. So many people who are honestly well-meaning can say some very insensitive things. In general, please stay away from, “You’re still young.” “You’ll have another.” “You don’t know for sure….don’t worry about it.” “You can always adopt.” “Well, at least he wasn’t born yet, so you didn’t get too attached.” Yes, people really say things like that. Crazy, I know. Or, what is sometimes worse…they ignore the situation. Obviously, all women are different in how they cope emotionally…but when it comes down to it…just be there for the woman or couple you are talking to. Be there in their situation. Don’t try to come up with some sage advice, especially if you have no experience of what they are going through. Don’t attempt to “console” with one of these comments in an attempt to open their eyes and bring them out of their grief. Maybe you just need to be quiet, give a hug, shed a tear, and/or just say a genuine “I’m sorry.” Be there for the person you are trying to comfort.
- Don’t compare. Yes, there might be a woman who miscarried later in the pregnancy. Or a woman who has been trying longer to get pregnant. Or a whole host of other situations. But that doesn’t minimize the real-life situation of the woman you are currently talking to.
- After drafting most of this post, I saw a link my sister posted on Facebook. This article is very informative. If you know anyone who has gone through a miscarriage, infant loss, or fertility issues, definitely read this. There are more words/questions to stay away from…as well as a host of ideas of what you can do. Several of them resonated with me.
Babies are such a precious, precious gift from God. I have learned so much during the past couple of years. I have learned about trust, peace, joy, contentment, surrender, and rejoicing with others. I have shared a brief snippet of that in these three posts. I have opened up here in blog land and shared some very personal things.
Please just take away from this a joy for your life…a trust in where God has you right now…and a deep deep love for the miracle of a baby.