The past few months have taught me about faith in ways that I never understood before.
Faith is not always big and bold. Faith is not necessarily unwavering. Faith is not an absence of emotions in the presence of trust.
Wayne Grudem defines faith as follows…
“Trust or dependence on God based on the fact that we take him at his word and believe what he has said.”
I always had a picture in my mind of what faith looked like. And that picture was always of a bold confidence, an unwavering peace, a complete and total trust.
Lately my faith has looked quite different.
Every day in life is a step of faith. And for me that has become even more true since losing my two children in miscarriages.
I have struggled with a lot of crazy anxiety issues since my losses.
I could lose another pregnancy.
I could lose the Wingman. Something could happen to him. I have had very vivid images of terrible things happening to him that tear my heart in two and cause my chest to tighten.
It is almost paralyzing. And you know what can sometimes make me even more scared? The thought that if I follow God, He might lead me through that. Of course, the reality is that even if I don’t follow God, these things could happen.
But that thought of releasing control to God can be hard. It takes faith. Faith to wake up each day and say, “I am in Your hands. The Wingman is in Your hands.”
Faith is stepping out and following Him, even when your steps are small and faltering.
Faith is being bold enough to step foot out of the door, knowing that a car crash could take the people you hold most dear.
Faith is allowing someone to babysit the Wingman, knowing that he could have a terrible accident while I’m gone.
Faith is getting out of bed to face each day.
Because all of those things require me leaning on the Shepherd’s staff. It requires me to say, “God You are the One who is holding us in Your hands.” I barely have strength to lift my head and look at the path. Sometimes I am scared to look at the path. But I cling to His staff and I say, “I don’t know if we’re going the right way, but I know You can see this entire path, with all its twists and turns.”
Sometimes I think that means that my faith must be the size of a mustard seed, because it isn’t that bold, unwavering confidence.
And sometimes I wonder if that means my faith is strong, because I have experienced some of the deepest pain of my life and yet I am still choosing to say, “God You are good. Your ways are good. Lead me.”
Whether it is mustard seed faith or mountain moving faith, it is some sort of deep. A depth that I have not experienced quite like this before.
So this is me….embracing my mustard seed. This is me getting up each morning. This is me allowing my son to still be a 2 year old and not stifling him in the name of protecting him. This is me continuing to plan outings and ways for my son to thrive. This is me pursuing fertility health so that I can hopefully get pregnant again. This is me, in all my vulnerability, handing God what is most precious to me. My family. My husband. My children. My son who I have here every day….my babies in heaven….and my future babies.