Category Archives: Things I’m Learning

On Asking the “Why?” Question

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Those of you who have read our blog for a while know about some medical issues I have been going through.  (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)  Last Friday I had my very last procedure done.  A couple days ago we got the results and I am so, so thankful to say that we and the doctors are now (finally!) satisfied that all things are normal in my body.

Praise the Lord!!

Sometimes I do wonder “why?” though.  Not the gut-wrenching kind of “Why?”.  But more of a…”Whew!  Now I wonder why that all happened?” type of why.  Why did God decide for us to go through these difficulties?  Why did I need to go through so many emotionally difficult and physically unpleasant procedures if it turned out to be nothing?  Why were The Pilot and I both pretty sure that I was pregnant back in May only to find out (the day before Mother’s Day!) that I was not?

Honestly….I don’t know why.  I don’t really understand.  But what I do see is all the ways that God taught me and changed me through it.

  1. It caused me to see the love and support of the body of Christ in a deeper way.  I was honestly overwhelmed by all of the comments and love from friends and even complete strangers after this post.  I didn’t expect to receive that kind of encouragement.  To know that some people were not judging me or telling me I was over-reacting, but were understanding my words and feelings meant so much.
  2. It taught me how to both rejoice and weep.  “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.”  Romans 12:15.  This verse….is so amazing.  During this time I have been able to have my heart better in sync with others.  My heart has broken and I have cried real tears with family and friends (both in real life and in the blog world) who have gone through the severely difficult processes of infertility, infant loss, and miscarriage.  On the other hand, I have been called to put aside my own heartache, pain, and questions, in order to rejoice with others who announce pregnancies and welcome babies.  It is amazing how a time of trial and testing in my life has refined this one verse in my life.  Because of this, I am better able to minister to others!
  3. It taught me to know and understand more of the presence of God.  On one of my doctor trips, I was so nervous and just so, so ready for the appointments and visits to end.  I sat in the car, listening to “Blessings” by Laura Story and crying a bit.  Suddenly I was just overwhelmed by the fact that I was not alone.  When I set foot in that doctor’s office, I wouldn’t be by myself.  God was with me.  I was not going through that process in general, that visit specifically, by myself.  God is with me 100% and He already knows exactly what is going on inside my body.
  4. It taught me again that God truly is in control.  Even when I had no idea what or how or why….I could know beyond a shadow of a doubt that whatever was going on….would bring God glory.  From in the middle of that situation, I might have been confused or unsure or in pain…but God is above the situation and is carefully orchestrating it all.  It will bring God glory.   And it will be for my good.  Regardless of the outcome.  That was sooo comforting!
  5. It taught me the great value of a baby.  Pretty much everyone I have ever known or talked to agrees that a baby is a gift and a joy.  But going through this process really showed me the truth of that so much more.  God took something that for years I probably took for granted (in that I assumed that of course “someday” I would likely get married and we would have a baby) and showed me what a great treasure that really is.  He caused me to examine my motives for wanting to have a baby.  A dear friend of mine who has struggled with getting pregnant is one of the most joyful mothers I have ever met.  She is someone who knows that the time that she can spend with her daughter now is  a tremendous, tremendous gift from God.  After everything she has been through, she is truly a mother who doesn’t take her children for granted.  Even though the Pilot and I have yet to have a baby….I definitely appreciate how God showed me that.  When we do get pregnant (if the Lord wills!), I will not forget the years of not knowing if I would ever face that moment of seeing the positive pregnancy test.  I really think that going through this will make me a better mother.  I never want to take our children, their lives or their milestones, for granted.

Are these the answers to the “why” question?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what God’s reason/s was/were.  But I at least know that these were some of the results.  And I thank God for that!  I can’t wait to see the next chapter of our lives!

-Bonnie

God’s Little Miracles

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This weekend I experienced an amazing miracle.  Usually I hear other people tell stories like this….but now I’ve experienced it and I am blown away.

For months my Mom and sisters have been talking about a women’s retreat they were going to at a Christian camp.  I listened to them talk about it and wished I could go.  I mostly tried not to think about it, because I didn’t want to encourage my heart to be discontent.  The retreat was a lot of money, so I never mentioned to anyone that I wanted to go.  I thought it would be wiser to save our money.  A few weeks ago, my Mom told me about a phone call she received.  An anonymous friend was calling on behalf of another anonymous friend who heard that I wasn’t going…and offered to pay my way!  I couldn’t believe my ears and it brought tears to my eyes.  God knew the desire of my heart and He knew that I needed to be at that retreat!

This past weekend I went to that retreat and came away blessed and encouraged.

Several of the sessions gave me great food for thought….both encouragement and conviction.  Perhaps what most impacted me though was not from a session at all.  It was the staff.

All of the people on staff there are so incredibly joyful.  Laughing and talking with everyone, they always have smiles on their faces.  I have never seen one of them with a frown or looking like they were having a rough day.  On the last morning of the retreat, the main speaker was talking about the great staff team.  She put it so well…..they truly seem like it is a privilege to serve the ladies and all the campers who come through every year.

That really struck me.  It’s true.  Each staff person serves with a joy in their hearts as if it is the greatest privilege in the world to be able to serve.  Instantly I thought about my life when I came home from the retreat.  Is that the way that I serve?  Do I see it a privilege to serve my sweet husband and the other people in my life?  Unfortunately I must answer that far too often with a “no.”

I am so thankful for God’s reminder this past weekend to serve and to serve joyfully!

And to whoever it was that blessed me with this retreat….thank you so much!!  I was absolutely blessed and encouraged.  God bless you, whoever you are!

-Bonnie

Doers, Not Hearers

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James 1:22
“But be doers of the word,
and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.”

I just started cleaning out my google reader.  

Yesterday I realized that I just had way too many blogs on my reader.  The trouble is…they were all good blogs.  It came to a point, though, where I rarely sat and actually read an entire post.  On some blogs I would quickly mark all as read.  Some blogs I would skim.  There were only a handful that I actually read.

I think that it is easy to find a good blog, be excited about topics, start following it…and repeat.  A problem can arise however, if it becomes rote taking in of the Word.

Most of the blogs on my reader were either devotional blogs or marriage blogs.  They were all full of godly advice, Scripture verses, encouraging anecdotes, and convicting messages.  But when it ceases to penetrate my heart, there is a problem.

Thus the cleaning out of my reader.  Some blogs I just clicked unsubscribe.  Some I took off my reader but bookmarked on google chrome in case someday I want to revisit it.

As I keep narrowing down the blogs I want in my reader, I hope that I will allow myself to actually read the wise words of other bloggers and allow the truths they share from Scripture to enter my heart.  Not only do I want to hear…..but I want to do.  A person can read lots of Scripture and tons of godly blogs…but unless that person is a doer of the Word, it does no good.

I’m excited about this change and I look forward to being more intentional about the blogs I read!

-Bonnie

Awareness

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Part 1

Part 2

We are so thankful that after all we went through the doctors have confirmed that I do not have PCOS.  But going through that whole process was definitely emotional.

I thought about how embarrassing it would be to continually be un-pregnant…especially as I know several people are expecting us to have a honeymoon baby.  I thought about what people would think about us if we went one, two…three years without getting pregnant.  I thought about watching others getting pregnant when I could not.  I watched the sweet Awana Cubbies and my heart ached as I longed to see such joy and delight on the faces of our own children.  I felt like it would be so unfair to my wonderful husband…he chose one person for life..he chose me…and perhaps I may not be able to give him a family. My body physically ached when I longed to feel a baby…our baby…growing and moving inside me.  I so wanted to have a little one that was an expression of the love and relationship I have with my husband….and I wanted to see what a perfect blend of Michael and I would look like in our baby.  I knew that most people wouldn’t understand, because most people don’t experience infertility.

I have two sweet friends with PCOS.  My two dear sisters both recently suffered miscarriages.  My cousin is also going through an “uncertain stage” as they are looking into possible infertility.

I thought about all the people I don’t even know who struggle with infertility.  I thought about our friend who recently lost their 7 month old son.

Heartache, pain, longing, desire, embarrassment, discouragement, depression, jealousy…so many emotions a person facing infertility or the loss of a child can experience.

Even though, as far as we know, I do not have fertility issues…over the past several months I have experienced a small taste of it.

Most people have no idea.

Most people….can get pregnant pretty quickly when they are not actively trying to prevent it.

Most people….can even get pregnant because of “accidents.”

Most people…when they find out they are pregnant, carry their baby full term and deliver a healthy baby.

Most people…do not fully understand the miracle of getting pregnant, or having a baby.

Most people…take their children’s lives and milestones for granted.

And then there are countless teenage girls who get pregnant…and choose to have their baby killed.  That boggles my mind.  That hurts my heart.  As I was crying and aching while waiting to see what God had for us…desperately desiring to be a mother….there were mothers who had a gift and a miracle…and they chose to get rid of it.

I guess I would just say a few things……

  1. If you are pregnant, or have already had children, don’t take your pregnancy or baby or child/ren for granted.  There are women who would give almost anything to be in your shoes.
  2. Be aware of those around you.  Did you know that April is National Infertility Awareness Month?  Did you know that October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day?  Be sensitive, kind, and loving to those you know who are going through these things.  These women are not alone and they are not forgotten.  Babies that are lost are not forgotten.  I know.  I have two nieces/nephews with Jesus right now.  They are still loved and still in our hearts.
  3. Even with everything I’ve said in this series of posts…don’t assume that every woman going through infertility or pregnancy/infant loss is an emotional mess.  I definitely had an emotional time of it at the beginning.  I think that most women going through these things would for sure.  But these are also very strong women.  Not every woman is called to live with such strength, trust, and grace as is required from women going through these things.
  4. Don’t expect or ask them to get over their grief.  In the case of a miscarriage…we are talking about their child that is gone.  Their precious baby that they already loved.  In the case of infertility/possible infertility…we are talking about month after month reminders that they are unable to conceive a precious child.  In both cases…there is definitely a process.  And you never truly “get over” these things.
  5. Be careful with your comments.  So many people who are honestly well-meaning can say some very insensitive things.  In general, please stay away from, “You’re still young.”  “You’ll have another.”  “You don’t know for sure….don’t worry about it.” “You can always adopt.”  “Well, at least he wasn’t born yet, so you didn’t get too attached.”  Yes, people really say things like that.  Crazy, I know.  Or, what is sometimes worse…they ignore the situation.  Obviously, all women are different in how they cope emotionally…but when it comes down to it…just be there for the woman or couple you are talking to.  Be there in their situation.  Don’t try to come up with some sage advice, especially if you have no experience of what they are going through.  Don’t attempt to “console” with one of these comments in an attempt to open their eyes and bring them out of their grief.  Maybe you just need to be quiet, give a hug, shed a tear, and/or just say a genuine “I’m sorry.”  Be there for the person you are trying to comfort.
  6. Don’t compare.  Yes, there might be a woman who miscarried later in the pregnancy.  Or a woman who has been trying longer to get pregnant.  Or a whole host of other situations.  But that doesn’t minimize the real-life situation of the woman you are currently talking to.
  7. After drafting most of this post, I saw a link my sister posted on Facebook.  This article is very informative.  If you know anyone who has gone through a miscarriage, infant loss, or fertility issues, definitely read this.  There are more words/questions to stay away from…as well as a host of ideas of what you can do.  Several of them resonated with me.

Babies are such a precious, precious gift from God.  I have learned so much during the past couple of years.  I have learned about trust, peace, joy, contentment, surrender, and rejoicing with others.  I have shared a brief snippet of that in these three posts.  I have opened up here in blog land and shared some very personal things.

Please just take away from this a joy for your life…a trust in where God has you right now…and a deep deep love for the miracle of a baby.

-Bonnie

Scares, Heartache, Relief, and Joy

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A month or so ago I was talking with our midwife friend and we were talking about my health and potential concerns.  As I mentioned some of the things I was experiencing, I could tell she was processing it all trying to think of what could be wrong.  After a few minutes, she told me what she was thinking.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

Again.

Apparently PCOS can spring up very quickly…so even though I came out clear 6 months ago…that doesn’t mean that I am clear now.

When Michael and I got married, I had to switch doctors once again in order to be covered by Michael’s insurance.  So I knew I would be starting another round of doctor’s visits with a new doctor.

Bleh.

I didn’t panic this time.  I had learned a lot of lessons last time, by God’s grace.  I knew that worrying would do no good.  I knew that I needed to just trust God and take it step by step.  I decided that this time I wouldn’t do any internet “research” as oftentimes that scares me more than anything.  (And the internet isn’t always reliable…even medical articles don’t know exactly what your personal symptoms are.)  Last time I waited on doctors I struggled to just stay in step with God’s timing and not run ahead and try to figure out what was going on.  This time I decided again that I needed to just take it one step at a time.  Make the doctor appointment.  Don’t worry about what she might say.  When she’s talking to me, listen to what she’s saying, don’t try to run ahead.  When she prescribes a test, just stay calm, go through the procedure, and take the results as they come.

I knew it would do no good to worry about “the next step.”

Even though I didn’t panic, that doesn’t mean that my heart was unaffected.  I felt silly having emotional responses, because of course we “didn’t know” if I had PCOS or not.  But I learned that it’s not necessarily wrong to go through an emotional process during the “uncertain stage”…as long as through each step, you are taking it all to God and relying on Him.

I didn’t panic.  I didn’t stress out.  But there was just the constant reminder that…I was going through the process again to see if I had PCOS.  I praise God for His strength and peace.  I knew that if I had PCOS I would definitely be an emotional basket case at least for a while…but I also knew that God would be right there.  I knew that it would come from His hand.  I knew that my husband loved me.

As much as I didn’t worry (compared to last time!), I was just very aware of the possibilities.  I thank God for His patience.  I know that no worry is good….and I am so thankful for how much He did keep me from worry and panic.

If you saw my post with some verses from Matthew, it was related to this.  As I was doing my Bible reading the day before my appointment and really just trying to release my “control” to God, I came across those verses.  It just hit me that I needed to lay down my plans…lay down my God-given desire to have children…so that I can pursue His plans.  What profit would there be if I gained the whole world (which to me at that moment was having children) and yet lost my soul…stopped following Him…ignored His greater plans?

I can’t trust God by saying, “Okay, God, I know you’re in control, but I think I’ll help out just a little and hold onto just this one part.”  That doesn’t work.  It’s complete surrender.  It’s walking with God even if it means walking in the completely opposite direction of your plans, dreams, or desires.

And so once again…doctor tests.  I went a couple weeks ago to my appointment.  As of right now, it looks like we are once again free and clear from PCOS.  I was almost floating on cloud 9.  Praise the Lord.  We are still looking at various doctor appointments and visits and procedures to take care of the problem….but it looks like the problem is a lot less….scary.

Lindsay, The Walton Wife, posted an excellent post that I read after I got home from my appointment.  I love her honesty and transparency.  And it’s a message I needed to hear.

Why do I share, in such lengthy, drawn-out blog posts, about my recent medical history?  Because I have been doing some deep thinking on some things, and have some thoughts to share………so…stay tuned for Part 3.  🙂

-Bonnie

Doctors, God, Hysterics, and Trust

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God has certainly been taking me on a medical journey over the past two years.  During that time, I have undergone two CT scans, three blood panels, two ultrasounds, two x-rays, one round of allergy testing (yes, the one where they prick your back 30 times), a couple antibiotics, at least a dozen doctor visits, and visits to specialists.

About nine months ago I switched to a new doctor.  After poking, prodding, analyzing, and discussing, she told me she was concerned that I might have cancer.  She wasn’t ready to say that it “probably” was cancer…but she also couldn’t honestly say that there was no way it was cancer.  So I went in for another CT scan.  During this batch of tests, I was remarkably calm.  Sure, I wouldn’t want to have cancer.  Sure, it would be a horribly difficult time.  But…it would be okay.  I knew I was in God’s hands and that He was in control.  Most of my concern and worry was for Michael.  I was concerned about how he would take it…and of course if it ended up being terminal and I died, I was concerned about what would happen to him.

But I was generally calm and at peace about myself.  God helped teach me about life.  I know it sounds cliche to think about how short life is and everything, but it’s true.  It’s like God just reminded me how much I have in life and I was just so grateful for all He had given me.  Even if I did have cancer and it were terminal…I could still live my life with a passion.  I was reminded to not take daily “real-life” moments for granted.

Well, praise the Lord, the tests came back clear.  No clumps of swollen lymph nodes and no cause for concern with my white blood cells.

So then I was called back into the doctor’s office to discuss the next concern she had for my health.

Polycystic Ovaries.

Trying not to panic at the mere mention of the Syndrome, I listened to her describe it and my symptoms and what we should do from there.

I had to make an appointment for another test to determine if I really had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  It was probably about a week before I got in for the test…and then I had to wait a couple days for the results.

During this time….I freaked out.  A blogger I have been praying for over the past few years has PCOS…..she and her husband have been trying for five years to get pregnant and they are unable to.

Of course, the doctor assured me that even if I had it, that didn’t necessarily mean that I would have difficulty getting pregnant.  But, still.  There was the possibility.

Interesting how calm I was about cancer…but when a question about my fertility came up…I panicked.

I realized how very badly I wanted children.  To excitedly look down at that pregnancy test with my husband and scream in joy when we saw the positive sign.  To come up with some clever way to share the news with our families.  To see my stomach getting bigger as our child was growing.  To feel him moving inside me.  To be able to nourish our baby throughout those nine months and after he was born.  To buy sweet baby clothes.  To take care of him all the time…getting up during the night, playing with him, bonding with him, taking care of him when he was sick, watching him giggle with joy.  To watch Michael be the amazing, wonderful Daddy I knew he would be.  To raise our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord.

Everywhere I went or looked there were babies.  I saw a commercial on TV advertising baby formula.  When we went out, I saw all these Moms on outings with their children.  I saw children and babies smiling and laughing.  My heart ached.  They all reminded me over and over again….you may not be able to have children.

One time I called my Mom literally in hysterics, just saying over and over, “I want to have a baby.  I want to have a baby.”

Several times God just brought me to my knees.  I had to really stop and release my desires to the Lord.  I prayed and acknowledged that my body is the Lord’s.  My desire to have children is the Lord’s.  My fertility is in the Lord’s hands.  He is the One Who opens and closes the womb.  I knew I had to just cling to what is true….I had to know, trust, and believe that God was in control even when things were out of my hands.  And I had to learn that in reality…things are always out of my hands.

And so, once again, I came to a place of peace.  I knew that it would all be okay because God would be walking beside me the whole way, even if I had PCOS…even if I had difficulty getting pregnant…even if I was completely unable to get pregnant.

Finally the results were in and I scurried over to the doctor to find out what was up.

All clear.

No clumps of cysts as would be expected with PCOS.

I cannot even tell you how unbelievably happy and thankful and excited I was.  Praise God.  Thank You, thank You, thank You Father!!

Part 2 coming soon

-Bonnie

Matthew

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Then Jesus said to His disciples,
“If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself,
and take up his cross, and follow Me.

“For whoever desires to save his life will lose it,
but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.

“For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world,
and loses his own soul?  Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

“For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father
with His angels, and then He will reward each
according to his works.”

Matthew 16:24-27

Pondering what it means to follow Him….

-Bonnie

Super Woman vs. Abiding Woman

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One of the blogs in my reader linked to this a while back.  I was going to comment here on which one in particular was convicting…but as I was re-reading the list….I’m afraid more than just one was convicting.

Such a good reminder to let go of self and truly rest in the Lord and abide in Him.

“Abide in me, and I in you.  As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.  I am the vine, you are the branches.  Whoever abides in me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”  – John 15:4-5

-Bonnie

Joy!

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Yesterday I was at The Pilot’s house and he reminded me of a specific prayer request I shared with him.  He showed me how God had answered and then he asked, “Did you thank God for that?”

I hadn’t.

God has been teaching me so often lately to have joy.  To rejoice.  To be thankful.  It’s a choice.

The other day I read Psalm 50 and the last verse was really helpful…specifically right now the first half of it.  “Whoever offers praise glorifies Me.”

And what do you think popped up in my google reader?  A post on joy.  I really appreciate what the author had to say about abiding in the Lord.

Just some things going through my head recently….

-Bonnie