Those of you who have read our blog for a while know about some medical issues I have been going through.  (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3)  Last Friday I had my very last procedure done.  A couple days ago we got the results and I am so, so thankful to say that we and the doctors are now (finally!) satisfied that all things are normal in my body.

Praise the Lord!!

Sometimes I do wonder “why?” though.  Not the gut-wrenching kind of “Why?”.  But more of a…”Whew!  Now I wonder why that all happened?” type of why.  Why did God decide for us to go through these difficulties?  Why did I need to go through so many emotionally difficult and physically unpleasant procedures if it turned out to be nothing?  Why were The Pilot and I both pretty sure that I was pregnant back in May only to find out (the day before Mother’s Day!) that I was not?

Honestly….I don’t know why.  I don’t really understand.  But what I do see is all the ways that God taught me and changed me through it.

1. It caused me to see the love and support of the body of Christ in a deeper way.  I was honestly overwhelmed by all of the comments and love from friends and even complete strangers after this post.  I didn’t expect to receive that kind of encouragement.  To know that some people were not judging me or telling me I was over-reacting, but were understanding my words and feelings meant so much.
2. It taught me how to both rejoice and weep.  “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.”  Romans 12:15.  This verse….is so amazing.  During this time I have been able to have my heart better in sync with others.  My heart has broken and I have cried real tears with family and friends (both in real life and in the blog world) who have gone through the severely difficult processes of infertility, infant loss, and miscarriage.  On the other hand, I have been called to put aside my own heartache, pain, and questions, in order to rejoice with others who announce pregnancies and welcome babies.  It is amazing how a time of trial and testing in my life has refined this one verse in my life.  Because of this, I am better able to minister to others!
3. It taught me to know and understand more of the presence of God.  On one of my doctor trips, I was so nervous and just so, so ready for the appointments and visits to end.  I sat in the car, listening to “Blessings” by Laura Story and crying a bit.  Suddenly I was just overwhelmed by the fact that I was not alone.  When I set foot in that doctor’s office, I wouldn’t be by myself.  God was with me.  I was not going through that process in general, that visit specifically, by myself.  God is with me 100% and He already knows exactly what is going on inside my body.
4. It taught me again that God truly is in control.  Even when I had no idea what or how or why….I could know beyond a shadow of a doubt that whatever was going on….would bring God glory.  From in the middle of that situation, I might have been confused or unsure or in pain…but God is above the situation and is carefully orchestrating it all.  It will bring God glory.   And it will be for my good.  Regardless of the outcome.  That was sooo comforting!
5. It taught me the great value of a baby.  Pretty much everyone I have ever known or talked to agrees that a baby is a gift and a joy.  But going through this process really showed me the truth of that so much more.  God took something that for years I probably took for granted (in that I assumed that of course “someday” I would likely get married and we would have a baby) and showed me what a great treasure that really is.  He caused me to examine my motives for wanting to have a baby.  A dear friend of mine who has struggled with getting pregnant is one of the most joyful mothers I have ever met.  She is someone who knows that the time that she can spend with her daughter now is  a tremendous, tremendous gift from God.  After everything she has been through, she is truly a mother who doesn’t take her children for granted.  Even though the Pilot and I have yet to have a baby….I definitely appreciate how God showed me that.  When we do get pregnant (if the Lord wills!), I will not forget the years of not knowing if I would ever face that moment of seeing the positive pregnancy test.  I really think that going through this will make me a better mother.  I never want to take our children, their lives or their milestones, for granted.

Are these the answers to the “why” question?  I don’t know.  I don’t know what God’s reason/s was/were.  But I at least know that these were some of the results.  And I thank God for that!  I can’t wait to see the next chapter of our lives!

-Bonnie