I was so weary. Just plain weary. Would it ever get better? Could it? How could I make changes? How could I get out of this….mire?
As I mentioned previously, it all ended up coming to a point when my Christian world came tumbling down.
So much of what I thought I believed came into question. In actuality, some things had slowly been changing for years. My beliefs on all sorts of things, such as modesty, courtship, and music had changed drastically.
But I thought that I was pretty evenly balanced. God had radically changed my beliefs and been convicting me that life is truly just about pursuing Him.
So I was surprised….no, shocked….when I realized God wasn’t done yet. I started realizing so many ways that I had been believing lies. Big lies. Little lies. About myself. About God. About Christianity.
I felt like I was in a tailspin. How in the world do you process stuff like that?? How do you deal when everything is changing?
I went to the doctor. I was evaluated for Post Partum Depression. But I didn’t want a label. I didn’t want medication. I wanted my soul to be at peace. (Note: I definitely think that PPD is real and legitimate and I do think that there is a proper time and place for medication for depression. However, I felt that, for me, even if I did have PPD, my bigger problem was spiritual.)
The tipping point was one night when my husband and I were talking after our son had gone to bed. I was in tears yet again, pouring out my anguish and desperately pleading for the truth. My husband spoke the gospel to me.
“I know. I know that. I just….what if I’m not saved though?”
I’ll never forget what he said next. “There’s nothing more I can tell you.”
My heart broke. I was stunned. I felt so alone.
And then I said, “I’m done. I’m done trying to figure it out. If I’m not a Christian, so be it. If I am, so be it.”
And that ended our conversation that night.
Within a few minutes of saying that, I felt…..calmness. Peace. But I didn’t think about it. I didn’t think about anything. I just waited. I knew that I could not let myself start immediately analyzing like I had done in the past. I couldn’t get caught up in “figuring out” if it was genuine or false peace.
I stopped trying. I stopped everything. I determined to just live my life and see what happened. I wasn’t going to analyze. I wasn’t going to dissect. I wasn’t going to try. I backed off. I was just….resting.
I let myself be real. I dropped the pretense. I owned who I was, sins and all. I became more real than I think I have ever been.
And then I realized….that conversation with my husband…wasn’t discouraging. He was right. There was nothing he could do for me. I knew that if anything was to be done, it could only be the work of God.
I knew that even though I had absolutely no idea what was going on or how to think or process…..God knew. God knew my innermost thoughts, even when I was confused by them. God knew my heart. He knew the true status of my salvation. I did not need to scramble around like a mad woman, trying desperately to piece things together.
In a way I felt like I had shut my brain off. But in reality….I was just resting. I trusted that somehow God would continue to lead and guide me to the truth.
And then I waited.