The water is everywhere.  My feet kick furiously trying desperately to keep my head above water.  The sky is so dark, the thunder so loud.  Suddenly, I am sucked under as a wave crashes against me.  My body is tugged and pulled in every direction as I fight, fight to reach the surface again.

Finally some air.  I gasp and breathe it in, hoping I won’t go under again.  Thrashing wildly, I claw at the water hoping to find something, anything.  A life vest.  A piece of wood.  Something.

Not too far away I can finally spy the boat.  How do I get there?  Every time I make progress toward it, the water pulls me back.  I scream, I cry, I yell, but the storm drowns out my cries.  Water pours into my mouth and I start choking.  Please.  Help me.

I am so weak.  I can’t go on.  I need to go on.  I need to get to that boat.  The water is suffocating.  The waves are so high.  I am stuck.  I will never be saved.

Out of nowhere, I suddenly feel a bit of the lifeline from the boat.  Rope.  I grab hold of it, but the waves are so strong it almost wrenches it from my grasp.  The tips of my fingers just barely hold on.  But I can’t let go.  I fight fight fight to keep that bit of rope.  I can’t let go.  I need this.  It’s my only chance of survival.  It’s the only way I can get to that boat.

 —–

Have you ever felt that way?  Have you ever felt like you were drowning and you were fighting to stay afloat?  I wish I didn’t have to admit this…..but I have.  I have had that terror grip my chest and the discouragement come in waves over me.  I have wondered how in the world I will keep going.  I have desperately wondered if there was any solution, if it would ever get better, or if I would ever see the light of day again.

I am somewhat scared to post this.  I am ashamed to admit it.  But I think that far too few Christians are open and honest.  I bet that if we were vulnerable with each other and shared our struggles, we would find out that there are many Christians who struggle this way.  Depression.  Doubts.  Fear.  Guilt.  Anxiety.

And so I share this with you.  I share it in the hope that someone might draw encouragement.  That someone might know that they are not alone.  That there is hope.

There were times where I felt like I was barely holding on to Christianity.  I didn’t know what was going on, how to process things, or how to even think.  My brain was in a fog and it was confusing to try to think through anything.  I felt like I was hanging onto my faith with white knuckles with all of my strength, trying desperately to not let go of the small hold I had on it.  My sins were the waves crashing against me and the doubts and fears and guilt were like rain pouring down and thunder crashing.

And so over the next few weeks I will share a bit of the struggle I have gone through and some of the ways God has brought me out and is continuing to bring me out.

May God get the glory!

Note: This is a pretty long blog series which I wrote last May/Juneish.  Since it’s so long, I’ll be breaking it up some with other posts. 🙂

-Bonnie