I had written that big blog series on the season of intense doubt and discouragement I went through.
I scheduled them on the blog.
They sat for a while.
And then one day I decided to re-read the posts. As I was making my way through what I had written, my chest tightened. My heart felt heavy. My pulse quickened. My mind raced.
What if I don’t really believe that? What if I have a relapse? What if I’m deceiving myself? How do I know if I believe hard enough?
Guess what? The Bible doesn’t say, “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart so hard that joy never forsakes you, you will be saved.” It doesn’t say, “If you believe hard enough that your doubts instantly forsake you.”
It says, “If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
God does not have some sort of divine Believe-o-meter that He holds me up to each day. Belief is not some sort of mystical feeling that I need to conjure up. I still wrestle with how feelings and faith intertwine, but I am 100% confident that God’s love, grace, forgiveness, and mercy are not dependent on my feelings.
I share this to let you know that I do not have it all together. But I also know that I can’t wait until I do have it all together. Because you know what? I never will. I will never be perfect this side of heaven. I might always have questions. I might even always have doubts. But I cannot wait to live my life until I am perfect or until I know I believe hard enough.
All I can do is walk each day, each moment, looking to Jesus. I have taken courage from Paul’s words in Philippians 3, “Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.”
Looking behind does no good. As my Hebrews teacher in college said…..you can’t run the race looking behind you. It does no good to look back and long for the “good years” of my spiritual life. It does no good to fall down when I sin and stay there. It does no good to turn around and stare at all my sins. The race is in front of me. The race is today. The race is right now.
Yes, I will fall again. I will sin. I will doubt. I will grow weary. But I will not and can not wait until I am perfect to run the race. If God has brought me this far….I know He will not abandon me now.
And if you are reading this….I would absolutely love your prayers!!!