A month or so ago I was talking with our midwife friend and we were talking about my health and potential concerns.  As I mentioned some of the things I was experiencing, I could tell she was processing it all trying to think of what could be wrong.  After a few minutes, she told me what she was thinking.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.

Again.

Apparently PCOS can spring up very quickly…so even though I came out clear 6 months ago…that doesn’t mean that I am clear now.

When Michael and I got married, I had to switch doctors once again in order to be covered by Michael’s insurance.  So I knew I would be starting another round of doctor’s visits with a new doctor.

Bleh.

I didn’t panic this time.  I had learned a lot of lessons last time, by God’s grace.  I knew that worrying would do no good.  I knew that I needed to just trust God and take it step by step.  I decided that this time I wouldn’t do any internet “research” as oftentimes that scares me more than anything.  (And the internet isn’t always reliable…even medical articles don’t know exactly what your personal symptoms are.)  Last time I waited on doctors I struggled to just stay in step with God’s timing and not run ahead and try to figure out what was going on.  This time I decided again that I needed to just take it one step at a time.  Make the doctor appointment.  Don’t worry about what she might say.  When she’s talking to me, listen to what she’s saying, don’t try to run ahead.  When she prescribes a test, just stay calm, go through the procedure, and take the results as they come.

I knew it would do no good to worry about “the next step.”

Even though I didn’t panic, that doesn’t mean that my heart was unaffected.  I felt silly having emotional responses, because of course we “didn’t know” if I had PCOS or not.  But I learned that it’s not necessarily wrong to go through an emotional process during the “uncertain stage”…as long as through each step, you are taking it all to God and relying on Him.

I didn’t panic.  I didn’t stress out.  But there was just the constant reminder that…I was going through the process again to see if I had PCOS.  I praise God for His strength and peace.  I knew that if I had PCOS I would definitely be an emotional basket case at least for a while…but I also knew that God would be right there.  I knew that it would come from His hand.  I knew that my husband loved me.

As much as I didn’t worry (compared to last time!), I was just very aware of the possibilities.  I thank God for His patience.  I know that no worry is good….and I am so thankful for how much He did keep me from worry and panic.

If you saw my post with some verses from Matthew, it was related to this.  As I was doing my Bible reading the day before my appointment and really just trying to release my “control” to God, I came across those verses.  It just hit me that I needed to lay down my plans…lay down my God-given desire to have children…so that I can pursue His plans.  What profit would there be if I gained the whole world (which to me at that moment was having children) and yet lost my soul…stopped following Him…ignored His greater plans?

I can’t trust God by saying, “Okay, God, I know you’re in control, but I think I’ll help out just a little and hold onto just this one part.”  That doesn’t work.  It’s complete surrender.  It’s walking with God even if it means walking in the completely opposite direction of your plans, dreams, or desires.

And so once again…doctor tests.  I went a couple weeks ago to my appointment.  As of right now, it looks like we are once again free and clear from PCOS.  I was almost floating on cloud 9.  Praise the Lord.  We are still looking at various doctor appointments and visits and procedures to take care of the problem….but it looks like the problem is a lot less….scary.

Lindsay, The Walton Wife, posted an excellent post that I read after I got home from my appointment.  I love her honesty and transparency.  And it’s a message I needed to hear.

Why do I share, in such lengthy, drawn-out blog posts, about my recent medical history?  Because I have been doing some deep thinking on some things, and have some thoughts to share………so…stay tuned for Part 3.  🙂

-Bonnie

God has certainly been taking me on a medical journey over the past two years.  During that time, I have undergone two CT scans, three blood panels, two ultrasounds, two x-rays, one round of allergy testing (yes, the one where they prick your back 30 times), a couple antibiotics, at least a dozen doctor visits, and visits to specialists.

About nine months ago I switched to a new doctor.  After poking, prodding, analyzing, and discussing, she told me she was concerned that I might have cancer.  She wasn’t ready to say that it “probably” was cancer…but she also couldn’t honestly say that there was no way it was cancer.  So I went in for another CT scan.  During this batch of tests, I was remarkably calm.  Sure, I wouldn’t want to have cancer.  Sure, it would be a horribly difficult time.  But…it would be okay.  I knew I was in God’s hands and that He was in control.  Most of my concern and worry was for Michael.  I was concerned about how he would take it…and of course if it ended up being terminal and I died, I was concerned about what would happen to him.

But I was generally calm and at peace about myself.  God helped teach me about life.  I know it sounds cliche to think about how short life is and everything, but it’s true.  It’s like God just reminded me how much I have in life and I was just so grateful for all He had given me.  Even if I did have cancer and it were terminal…I could still live my life with a passion.  I was reminded to not take daily “real-life” moments for granted.

Well, praise the Lord, the tests came back clear.  No clumps of swollen lymph nodes and no cause for concern with my white blood cells.

So then I was called back into the doctor’s office to discuss the next concern she had for my health.

Polycystic Ovaries.

Trying not to panic at the mere mention of the Syndrome, I listened to her describe it and my symptoms and what we should do from there.

I had to make an appointment for another test to determine if I really had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  It was probably about a week before I got in for the test…and then I had to wait a couple days for the results.

During this time….I freaked out.  A blogger I have been praying for over the past few years has PCOS…..she and her husband have been trying for five years to get pregnant and they are unable to.

Of course, the doctor assured me that even if I had it, that didn’t necessarily mean that I would have difficulty getting pregnant.  But, still.  There was the possibility.

Interesting how calm I was about cancer…but when a question about my fertility came up…I panicked.

I realized how very badly I wanted children.  To excitedly look down at that pregnancy test with my husband and scream in joy when we saw the positive sign.  To come up with some clever way to share the news with our families.  To see my stomach getting bigger as our child was growing.  To feel him moving inside me.  To be able to nourish our baby throughout those nine months and after he was born.  To buy sweet baby clothes.  To take care of him all the time…getting up during the night, playing with him, bonding with him, taking care of him when he was sick, watching him giggle with joy.  To watch Michael be the amazing, wonderful Daddy I knew he would be.  To raise our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord.

Everywhere I went or looked there were babies.  I saw a commercial on TV advertising baby formula.  When we went out, I saw all these Moms on outings with their children.  I saw children and babies smiling and laughing.  My heart ached.  They all reminded me over and over again….you may not be able to have children.

One time I called my Mom literally in hysterics, just saying over and over, “I want to have a baby.  I want to have a baby.”

Several times God just brought me to my knees.  I had to really stop and release my desires to the Lord.  I prayed and acknowledged that my body is the Lord’s.  My desire to have children is the Lord’s.  My fertility is in the Lord’s hands.  He is the One Who opens and closes the womb.  I knew I had to just cling to what is true….I had to know, trust, and believe that God was in control even when things were out of my hands.  And I had to learn that in reality…things are always out of my hands.

And so, once again, I came to a place of peace.  I knew that it would all be okay because God would be walking beside me the whole way, even if I had PCOS…even if I had difficulty getting pregnant…even if I was completely unable to get pregnant.

Finally the results were in and I scurried over to the doctor to find out what was up.

All clear.

No clumps of cysts as would be expected with PCOS.

I cannot even tell you how unbelievably happy and thankful and excited I was.  Praise God.  Thank You, thank You, thank You Father!!

Part 2 coming soon

-Bonnie