Your TTC journey probably looks nothing like what you envisioned.  It’s probably not what you would have prayed for or requested.

It is okay to grieve.

It is okay to grieve the loss of your child.

It is okay to grieve the loss of your dream to have a child.

It is okay to grieve the loss of your dream to have more children.

When I realized that I was stopped in my tracks.

Letting go of your dreams is a hard hard thing.  To realize the things that you longed for that will never happen.

We will never have a sibling close in age to our Wingman.  I was kind of holding onto that fact deep down and I think that it was causing even more stress because I wanted so desperately to have a little buddy for him.  Our desire was to have children fairly close together.  And now that will never happen.

I grieved.  I cried.  I hurt.  And I definitely sometimes do still grieve, cry, and hurt over that fact.

But there is also freedom that comes in grieving and letting go of that dream.  In realizing that now our future will have a new dream.

It may not be what I would have wanted, but I know that somehow it will be perfect for our family.

It is much harder to accept when it is the loss of a child.  I still wrestle with the “why” of that one.  And I don’t have the answers except that I know that somewhere in the midst of all my questions, God is good and He is loving my sweet babies right now.

Some grief you might be able to move past.  Some grief, like the loss of a child, will probably stay with you forever.

All throughout the Bible we see stories of people experiencing deep grief and anguish.  Do not be afraid or ashamed to grieve.

❤

-Bonnie

“Rejoice with those who rejoice,
weep with those who weep.”
Romans 12:15

And now for part two.  Or technically part one.  I previously posted about weeping with those who weep.  Today let’s think about rejoicing with those who rejoice.

This is the hard one.  Or maybe it’s just me?

Raise your hand if you have ever gotten on Facebook to discover the fifth pregnancy announcement of the week.

Raise your hand if your friend/relative announced a pregnancy the same day your period started.

Raise your hand if you were invited to a baby shower during a very emotional week.

Am I the only one with my hand up?  No?  Well if anyone else has a hand up, know you’re in good company.

Those moments are hard.  And I’ll be honest and say that my first thought usually is not one of rejoicing.

Guess what?  God doesn’t give us an out here.  We are called to rejoice regardless of the personal pain we are going through.  I have wrestled with this.  Where does my personal pain end and jealousy begin?  Where is the line between needing space and becoming a bitch about it (yes, I just said that)?  How do you balance personal pain and rejoicing with others?

Let me just say that it is a hard question to answer.  And the answer might look different for different people.

First I want to say that those feelings are normal.  A person’s personal experience will always color their lives (and yes I will repeat the cliche…it’s up to us if we allow it to negatively or positively impact us).

It is ok if you need to decline a baby shower invitation (just rejoice by sending a gift anyway!).

It is ok if you can’t bring yourself to enthuse on Facebook when an acquaintance announces a pregnancy (but rejoice and hit “like” anyway!).

It is ok if you ask one of your close friends, “Hey if you hear that so-and-so is pregnant, can you try to let me know before she announces it so that I have time to prepare myself and truly have a happy response when she tells me?”

Sometimes rejoicing is a battle.  It’s when you choose to put aside your pain and do something for someone else because it’s the right thing to do.  And because deep down we are happy, very happy, for our friends and we want them to know it.

TTC cannot be an excuse for jealousy.  Or for becoming a permanent hermit.  It is a battle that must be fought but it is a hard, sometimes constant, battle.

How have you been able to rejoice with others when you don’t feel like it?

-Bonnie

I am a writer.  I’ve always loved words.  I’ve always loved to write.  I have kept a journal off and on for almost twenty years.

But even if you do not consider yourself a writer, I highly recommend that you journal.  Martha mentioned this in her post earlier in the series, and I definitely concur.

There is something about putting a pen to paper that can be so healing.  It gives me time to think through and truly process all the thoughts swirling around in my head.  It forces me to put words to what I am thinking and feeling.

Writing provides an outlet to process, to vent, to reflect, and to heal.

Plus, for me anyway, it is so helpful to write things down as they happen instead of trying to re-create it later.  There have been so many times when I have kicked myself for not journaling (like the first two years of our marriage!!) and keeping track of different things I went through and learned.

Some of the things you might consider writing about in your journal…

• Medical information (doctor visits, test results, etc)
• Your thoughts and feelings
• Prayers
• Things you are learning
• Bible verses

Go to the store and buy a brand new journal that speaks to you.  My current journal I found at Target and it is absolutely perfect.   It has a typewriter and butterflies on it.  Perfect for this season of my life.

Do you journal?  Do you find that it is helpful for you?

-Bonnie

Sometimes when you are TTC people ask questions.  Well meaning people.  Well meaning questions.  But they can be painful nonetheless.

So here are a few things that us TTCers (or even those who are not trying but are choosing to wait) get a little tired of hearing….

1. “When are you having a baby?”  There is no good answer to this.  If I say, “We are doing the deed every chance we get, I chart my cervical fluid, and I test obsessively, so I’m hoping that the answer is ‘any day now.'” you will be left embarrassed and confused.  Or what if I AM pregnant?  “Well, I actually am pregnant.” that’s not really the method or timing that I was hoping to announce the amazing news.  I guess I’m left with the typical forced laugh and a nice but hopefully pointed, “We won’t forget to announce it when the time comes.”

2.  “You’re still young.”  I don’t know why exactly, but this stings.  Maybe it’s the fact that I feel like it’s shutting down my experience and down playing the pain.  Maybe it’s because fertility has to do with a lot of things, not just the year I was born.  Maybe it’s the fact that I know I’m already past the average age of peak fertility.  Either way, it doesn’t make me feel like that person cares to walk this road with me.

3.  “Oh, so-and-so tried so much longer than you have.  Just be patient.  It will happen.”  A) Telling me how my story isn’t that bad and other people have it so much worse is not helpful.  I feel guilt and shame pile on me telling me I have no right to be pained by a negative pregnancy test just because so-and-so had a different experience than me.  Experiences are different.  Not worse, not better, just different.  Please be with your friends within their experience.  B)  How much longer do I need to be patient?  Please don’t slap platitudes on me.  C)  Thanks, but the truth is you don’t know that it will happen.

4.  “Just relax.  It will happen when you stop trying.”  Really?  I thought you DID have to have sex to make a baby.  I’m pretty sure if I don’t try then I won’t get pregnant.  Stress can affect fertility, it’s true.  But the process itself and all that goes into “trying” is stressful.  Plus, which came first, the stress or the infertility?  Chances are, the stress about “trying” came once “trying” became difficult.

5.  “Just have lots of sex!”  A) Eww!!  Why are you talking about our sex life?? 😉  B)  If doing it like rabbits was the solution, we would have rabbits by now.  C)  The “trying” in trying to conceive can sometimes take the romance out of the act.  Scheduling the act, peeing on ovulation test strips, and charting bodily fluids is not sexy or romantic.  Not to say that the romance is gone from the relationship of those TTC….but trying is definitely not always the fun part as a lot of people like to think.

6.  “He’ll always have friends/cousins to play with.”  I am beyond THRILLED that the Wingman has cousins close by.  But eventually we (or they) will move away.  And his cousins don’t live in the same house.  And I’m the one who hears my son’s delighted giggles when he is playing with friends and then sees him playing at our home all by himself…quietly.  My heart breaks that he does not have siblings to play with every day.

7. “You’ve got it easy with just one child.  Think what it would be like if you had two?  Or three??”  I obviously don’t know what it is like to have more than one child.  But I read a fantastic article written by a Mom of multiples who pointed out that motherhood does not get harder….the challenges just change.  Motherhood is always hard, whether you have one kid or five.  Plus….girl, I would love that challenge of having more kids!!  Bring it on!!

Ok ok it probably isn’t the best idea to get sarcastic or snarky.  (Although sometimes I do think that a straightforward and honest answer is best.)  Sometimes it is ok to literally practice a canned response at home in the mirror so that you are ready when these questions come up and you are able to maintain some grace (and your dignity!).

All snarkiness aside….here are some things that would be helpful to say to someone going through infertility.

1.  “I’m praying for you!”
2. “How are you doing today?”  And really mean it.  Let your friend know that if s/he wants to talk, you’re available.  If they don’t want to talk, that’s ok too.
3. “You are a strong woman.”  Sometimes we just feel broken and like falling apart.  Reminders that it will be ok and we will make it through can be very helpful.
4. “Want to go grab coffee?”  Girl talk!  Have fun doing something other than think about your home and personal situations.
5. “I’m so sorry this is happening to you.”

I have come to the conclusion that unless you are bosom buddies with someone you probably shouldn’t ask them their plans for babies.  There simply is no way to know what a person or couple is going through.  Just because they put on a smile and give a vague answer doesn’t mean they are ok talking about it or that everything is ok.

What are some other questions or comments that you have heard?  What are some gracious ways to respond?

-Bonnie