Long Time No Write


It’s hard to believe that it’s been 8 months since I last posted.  I have gone back and forth as to whether I would ever resurrect this blog or not.  But as soon as I was notified that my domain was about to expire I knew that I wasn’t ready to stop blogging.

I make no promises to get back to any sort of blogging schedule.  I would rather keep this space for posting when I feel like I need or want to.

A brief recap of the last 8 months….

….The Wingman celebrated his third birthday.  Crazy, I know!

….The Pilot was gone for a while with his job and I worked on quite a few projects while he was gone.  Hopefully I can blog a bit about some of them!

…In June I became pregnant with our fourth child.  At 16 weeks, his heart stopped beating.  I went to the hospital, labored for 9 hours, and gave birth to another precious son.  It has taken a lot of time to process it all and I know I’m far from being done.  But I am sure some posts about his life and late miscarriage will show up here sometime.

…It has been an absolutely horrible few months.  There is no other way to describe it.  But I am holding onto hope.  “Sometimes holding tight [to Truth] feels more like hanging on, but don’t give up.  Don’t believe the lie that you should let go.  God holds you.  Hold tight to Him.”  (She Reads Truth by Raechel Myers and Amanda Bible Williams, page 170)

To close this post, I want to share this song.  It has been like my anthem over the past year.  When I first heard it, I was at a Tenth Avenue North concert and the song hadn’t even been recorded.  That tour was the first time they sang it for people.  I sat there with tears pouring down my face, not knowing how the song would grow even more important to me.  I hope that it is a blessing and encouragement to you as well.


How My Miscarriages Speak to the Pro-Life Movement


I am pro-life.

Pro-Life Miscarriage


For the sake of simplicity for this post, that means that I am 100% for the lives of the unborn and I do not believe that abortion is an ok alternative.

I believe that life begins at conception.  And no one should have the power to take that life.  Calculatingly stopping the life of another human being = killing them.

Harsh words, I know.  I wish there was some way to sugar coat it.  I don’t like to think about it.  But if the unborn is a human life….there is no way around the fact that abortion kills that life.

I will not focus much on abortion right now because that is not the purpose of this post.  But it is important to state my beliefs on that before I continue.

What is the unborn?  That is the crux of the abortion question.  If it is nothing but a blob of cells, abortion shouldn’t matter.  But if it is a life, it changes the whole question.

What is the unborn?  As a pro-life person I believe it is always, 100% of the time, a human being, just like you and me.  So I write this post to my fellow pro-lifers.

If we get so caught up in the abortion debate….if it hurts our hearts and breaks us up to see pictures and videos of babies being aborted….if we grieve every year on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade….if we volunteer and pray and work to try to save the lives of the unborn…..

….we value that life.

What is the unborn in the case of a miscarriage?

The answer should be obvious and I know that most pro-lifers would agree.  It is a baby.

But why is it that a miscarriage, especially an early miscarriage, is not treated as such?

I want to scream out the window, “My babies died!!!”

My BABIES died.

My babies DIED.

Instead, I am expected to quietly move on.  No one mentions it.  My children are forgotten by all but me and my husband and perhaps a select few others.  We are told to just try again in a few cycles.  We are told that it is time to move on.  We are told to just be thankful we already have one child. It is counter-cultural when I choose to post about it on Facebook six months later.  Christians say that we need to just trust God….to put on a grateful smile and move on.

People don’t know what to do with it.  They don’t know what to say.  And trust me I know that it is hard to know what to say to a grieving person.  I get that.  But in silence, we are denying the lives of the unborn.

I am a part of several miscarriage support groups.  And all. the. time. there are posts of women feeling so alone, so isolated.  Posts where women tell stories of absolutely heart-breaking things that others have said to them.  Cruel things against their babies and their pregnancies.  Posts where women cry and wonder why they aren’t allowed to talk about their children.

We have to suck it up.  We have to be strong.  We have to carry our pain and grief all alone.

What is the unborn?

The unborn are babies. Human beings with souls, made in the image of God.  Worthy of dignity, worthy of respect, worthy of love, worthy to be known.

So no I am not over my grief.  It has changed over the past 6 months.  But it is still there.  It is still deep.  My arms still physically ache sometimes because they never got to hold or caress my beloved children.  The physical pain in my heart is indescribable.

I’m not strong.  I am a mother who is broken.  A mother who has had to say good-bye to two of her children.  That is a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  I am a mother who has to wake up each day, knowing that I “should” have three children with me to take care of, but instead I only have one.

I am thankful, unbelievably thankful, for our son.  But he doesn’t replace my other children.  Future children will not replace the two children that we have lost.  Having one child already doesn’t magically take the pain away from having two other children die.

Grief is the evidence of great love.  My children were and are loved so much.  I will never forget them.  I will never stop grieving.  I will not apologize for thinking of them or for talking about them.  They were real.  They were mine.

I rejoice that they are in the presence of Perfect Love right now.  As much as it pains me to know that I cannot hold them or tell them how much their mommy loves them, I know that God is loving them in my absence and loving them so much better and more fully than I ever could.  I trust God because I know that He is grieved by this effect of the curse and He is walking beside me in the midst of my deepest pain.

And I absolutely cannot wait for the reunion when I get to heaven.  To finally be able to see the faces of my precious babies, to hold them close, to tell them how much I love them and how absolutely wonderful they are.

Because they are my children.  They weren’t just the unborn.  They weren’t just pregnancies.  They are my children.


The Dream of Writing


Growing up, I always had the dream of being a famous published author.  I wanted to be a novelist.  Words inspired me.  There is nothing like the feeling you get when you read something that is just incredibly well written.

I tried my hand at fiction.  Plots came to me that inspired me for a while….and then they died off.  Several stories began, but I realized I didn’t have a full enough plot to make a real book.  My novels turned into short stories.  Several books were never finished.

Somewhere I have my series about the little girl named Felicity that I wrote when I was in middle school.  And also buried somewhere is my mystery (unfinished) with the bad guy named Tacomel.  In our basement somewhere in a red notebook is the historical fiction I was writing about Ruth from the Bible.  That is the book I got the farthest in and I still hope to finish it, even if I never pursue publication.

For years I have prayed that if God wanted me to write a book, that He would give me a plot.  I don’t want to just put words on a page or have some worn out, cliched plot.  I wanted to have something worth sharing.

writing book procrastinating

I think God might have given me my plot.

Although it turns out it’s not fiction.

For several months now I have felt the pull to write a book on miscarriage.  I process things through writing, so I know it would be helpful for me.  And there are not many resources out there for going through this kind of tragedy.

I’m scared.  Who am I to write a book about that topic?  I’m still in the middle of grief, so I don’t have all the answers.

I’ve tried to talk myself out of it.  But then there will be times when I’m driving where I think of something that I really want to share and I want to pull over right then and there to write it down so I don’t forget it.  There are times when the pull on my heart is strong.

That is what I am currently procrastinating on.  Trying to decide if I should go for it or not.

Maybe I will end up being a published author someday, even if it’s not what I imagined as a child.

Or maybe I will turn my writing into blog posts and simply share them here.

Either way, I have some writing to do!


Perfect Way to Start


The other day I heard the most beautiful song.  I have listened to quite a few miscarriage songs and just plain old encouraging-in-the-midst-of-pain songs.  But this one is by far my favorite.

Craig Aven writes songs for each of his children.  Last year his wife had a miscarriage.  Later in the year she had a second one.  This is a song he wrote to his unborn children.

I love his intro in the beginning as well.  Some of the most powerful words I’ve heard since losing our babies…”This is not something that we should be ashamed to say hurts us.  Losing a baby.  Because it’s valuable and precious.”

I have listened to this song several times already and I always end up sobbing.  This is so beautiful.  So sad and yet so happy.

My babies are so so missed on this earth.  But I am happy that they so quickly got to experience the joys of heaven and they are able to sit in the lap of Jesus Himself.


Every Day Is a Step of Faith


The past few months have taught me about faith in ways that I never understood before.

step of faith

Faith is not always big and bold.  Faith is not necessarily unwavering.  Faith is not an absence of emotions in the presence of trust.

Wayne Grudem defines faith as follows…

“Trust or dependence on God based on the fact that we take him at his word and believe what he has said.”

I always had a picture in my mind of what faith looked like.  And that picture was always of a bold confidence, an unwavering peace, a complete and total trust.

Lately my faith has looked quite different.

Every day in life is a step of faith.  And for me that has become even more true since losing my two children in miscarriages.

I have struggled with a lot of crazy anxiety issues since my losses.

I could lose another pregnancy.

I could lose the Wingman.  Something could happen to him.  I have had very vivid images of terrible things happening to him that tear my heart in two and cause my chest to tighten.

It is almost paralyzing.  And you know what can sometimes make me even more scared?  The thought that if I follow God, He might lead me through that.  Of course, the reality is that even if I don’t follow God, these things could happen.

But that thought of releasing control to God can be hard.  It takes faith.  Faith to wake up each day and say, “I am in Your hands.  The Wingman is in Your hands.”

Faith is stepping out and following Him, even when your steps are small and faltering.

Faith is being bold enough to step foot out of the door, knowing that a car crash could take the people you hold most dear.

Faith is allowing someone to babysit the Wingman, knowing that he could have a terrible accident while I’m gone.

Faith is getting out of bed to face each day.

Because all of those things require me leaning on the Shepherd’s staff.  It requires me to say, “God You are the One who is holding us in Your hands.”  I barely have strength to lift my head and look at the path.  Sometimes I am scared to look at the path.  But I cling to His staff and I say, “I don’t know if we’re going the right way, but I know You can see this entire path, with all its twists and turns.”

Sometimes I think that means that my faith must be the size of a mustard seed, because it isn’t that bold, unwavering confidence.

And sometimes I wonder if that means my faith is strong, because I have experienced some of the deepest pain of my life and yet I am still choosing to say, “God You are good.  Your ways are good.  Lead me.”

Whether it is mustard seed faith or mountain moving faith, it is some sort of deep.  A depth that I have not experienced quite like this before.

So this is me….embracing my mustard seed.  This is me getting up each morning.  This is me allowing my son to still be a 2 year old and not stifling him in the name of protecting him.  This is me continuing to plan outings and ways for my son to thrive.  This is me pursuing fertility health so that I can hopefully get pregnant again.  This is me, in all my vulnerability, handing God what is most precious to me.  My family.  My husband. My children.  My son who I have here every day….my babies in heaven….and my future babies.


A Year of Heartbreak


2015 was in honesty a terrible year.  Probably the worst year of my life.  Or at least a different kind of terrible than any other terrible.  This year was on a whole different level.

On Christmas Eve, we visited a church where the pastor gave a great sermon.  He talked about how a long time ago people would bring evergreen trees into their homes during the winter as a reminder that spring was coming.  Eventually the Christians adopted that tradition as a reminder of the promise of new life and resurrection in Jesus.  It was a reminder of hope.  Of life.

That was so incredibly beautiful to me.

As I think about the year 2016, I feel a variety of things.  Numbness.  Hesitation.  Wondering if it will be filled with even more heartbreak.  But I also feel hope.  It’s a brand new start in a way.  I am a completely different person than I was before.  The past couple years have defined me, and the past few months have even more so.

There is hope.  There is goodness.  No matter the heartache of this year, there is hope.  There is hope because Jesus came into the world.  Because He died on a cross and rose again.  There is hope because God is good and He is always at work for His good purposes.

There is hope.  There is beauty.

As we close out this incredibly difficult year, I look forward to hope.  With hope.

hope in 2016


Happy Thanksgiving

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In the midst of the hardest year of my life, I am reminded of my blessings.

I am so incredibly thankful for my family.  My wonderful husband, who has been there with me on my bad days and my really bad days.  For our Wingman, who is such a miracle and who brings joy to our lives every day.  And for our two precious babies, who I miss every day and who are giving thanks at the feet of Jesus today.  I can’t wait to praise Him together as a family one day in heaven.

Take a moment today to thank Him for some of your blessings!


Miscarriage Resources

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Here are a few resources that I have collected regarding miscarriage.  For all of you who have or are going through this, my heart is breaking with you.  😥

miscarriage resources


  1. Hannah’s Hope: Seeking God’s Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss (Note: I have not read this personally but it has been recommended to me!)
  2. Inheritance of Tears: Trusting the Lord of Life When Death Visits the Womb
  3. Hope for a Mom’s Heart
  4. Silent Grief: Hope for Surviving Early Miscarriage


Blog Posts:

  1. The Miscarriage Secret
  2. Mourning a Miscarriage
  3. I’m Not Always Ok
  4. Growing Through a Miscarriage
  5. You are Not Alone
  6. When You Lose a Baby
  7. The Thing About Grief
  8. Infinite
  9. Grief With No Apologies
  10. Picking Up the Pieces
  11. Fog Rising
  12. Still a Mother
  13. 7 Things I’ve Learned Since the Loss of My Child


For the Friends of Those Who Have Had a Loss:

  1. Six Things I Wish People Knew About Grieving the Loss of a Child
  2. A Letter to the Friend of a “New Normal” Grieving Mother
  3. An Open Letter to the Loved Ones of a Grieving Mother
  4. The Complete List of Do’s and Don’ts When Supporting the Bereaved (Note: I do disagree to an extent with some of the content.  While I do 100% believe that God is in control, I do agree with her that it is not at all helpful to say, “It was meant to be.”  But I disagree that you shouldn’t mention faith at all.  It was so encouraging to my heart to hear people simply tell me they were praying for me.)


  1. Healing After a Miscarriage
  2. Healing Physically after a Miscarriage
  3. Healing Emotionally after a Miscarriage
  4. I also want to add that it is so so important to take care of yourself if you are experiencing a miscarriage.  With my first miscarriage, I hardly ate and I only took one supplement one time.  I was so exhausted, dizzy, and weak.  With my second one, I ate and took my Iron and Vitamin C supplements.  Such a huge difference!  Even though the second miscarriage was somewhat harder physically, the recovery was much easier.


  1. Your Hands by JJ Heller
  2. Still by Gerrit Hofsink
  3. Gone Too Soon by Daughtry
  4. Glory Baby by Watermark
  5. Hug Him Once for Me by Erica McClure
  6. Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
  7. Beauty Will Rise by Steven Curtis Chapman (This song was written after his 5 year old daughter passed away.)
  8. I Will Carry You (Audrey’s Song) by Selah (This was written when Todd and Angie’s sweet baby went to be with Jesus the day after she was born.)
  9. With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman
  10. The Hurt and the Healer by MercyMe
  11. Homesick by MercyMe
  12. Even If by Kutless
  13. Beauty from Pain by Superchick
  14. He Will Not Let Go by Laura Story

Facebook Pages:
After my first miscarriage, I found some of these pages.  I sobbed as I looked through some of their beautiful images.

  1. Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss
  2. Missed Miscarriage
  3. Miscarriage, Stillborn, and Child Loss Support for Women

Check out Small Bird Studio.  While they are not exclusively for remembrance items, they do have some beautiful shirts, mugs, journals, prints, phone cases, etc.

Please add to the list in the comments!


 Note: Life With You is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com.

31 Days ttc infertility

To my Precious Child Yet to Be

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My precious baby,

Words cannot describe how much I love you already.  As of yet, you aren’t even a line on a stick, but I long for you.  I long to have you in my belly, to feel you kick, to hold you close once you are born.  I want to kiss your head, your face, your hands.

I pray for you.  I hope every day that God will give you to us.  You will be our rainbow baby, our precious miracle that comes after miscarriage.

infertility TTC rainbow baby

You have such an amazing father.  Such a wonderful big brother.  He will be so happy to meet you!!  I know he will help take good care of you.  You have two precious big siblings with Jesus as well and someday we will all be together.

Sometimes I feel like it will be forever until I can meet you.  Until I can get some sign that you will in fact one day be a reality.  But I have hope.  Hope that someday you will become two pink lines.  That you will grow in my belly and I will be nauseous and starving because of you.  That you will kick me in the ribs and as I rub away the pain I will smile knowing that my precious little one caused it.

You are our precious miracle.  I hope to meet you soon, but I am content to wait.  I know that God’s timing in giving you to us will be perfect.

I love you more than words can express.




31 Days ttc infertility

Care Package Ideas: Miscarriage


After my miscarriage, I was so overwhelmed and amazed by all the people who surrounded us.  I wrote a status on Facebook, figuring a few people might see it, but I had almost 90 comments from people who were grieving with us and praying for us.

The elders from our church sent us a card in the mail.  A friend whom I haven’t seen in a year sent me a card.  An out-of-state friend paid for The Pilot and I to order take-out.  One of my best friends sent a care package.  And another friend who I haven’t seen in about three years sent a care package.

I was blown away.  That is truly what it means to be the hands and feet of Christ.  In a time where my heart was breaking, we were surrounded with love and with people caring for us.  I have a hard time putting into words how just absolutely overwhelmed I was with gratefulness.

If you know someone who has a miscarriage, rest assured that your comments, emails, cards, and packages mean a lot.  Even if it’s someone that you haven’t talked to in a while.

Care package miscarriage

A few ideas on items to include in a care package…

  • A card.  Don’t be afraid to talk about it or to mention their baby.
  • Coffee
  • Snacks (sweet or salty…or both!)
  • Restaurant gift card (After our loss, I just wanted to spend time with my husband.  I needed that time to be close to him.)
  • Redbox gift code (and popcorn!)
  • a journal
  • Adult coloring book
  • Fuzzy socks
  • Lotion or other pampering items
  • Note paper, note cards, or memo pad
  • A game that can be played with only two players so the couple can spend that time together
  • One friend did a themed box, so everything she sent was yellow.  She attached a note that said she hoped it brought sunshine to my day!  So sweet and thoughtful!
  • They also sent some items for our Wingman, and that meant so much to me (and also made his day!).

Here are some ideas other than a care package…

  • Drop off a meal or if you are not local, perhaps send a meal from Schwan’s that can be delivered to their door.
  • If you are local, offer to watch their other children so they can spend some time together.
  • Give them a hug and be willing to cry with them
  • Send flowers
  • Offer to help out around the house
  • Share your story.  If you have experienced loss, it is ok to talk about it and cry together.
  • Run to the grocery store for them

There are absolutely no words to describe the kind of pain that comes with losing a little one, no matter how young.  Loving hands reaching out literally means the world.


31 Days ttc infertility